Wait we will

See I told you I wasn't a blogger. My goal is to post an update at least weekly, but it sure looks like I'm going to need to set some reminders for myself. If you know me 'in real life' then you know I'm a relatively private person. Sharing my thoughts and feelings in such a public forum simply doesn't come easy to me.

Last week we attended our first waiting family meeting. These meetings are held quarterly by our agency to offer both support and education to those waiting for a domestic placement. This session was a Q&A format with a panel of birth moms who had given birth anywhere from 1 1/2 years ago to 2 months ago. It was a fascinating discussion as each of the mom's had a different story and were in obviously different stages of the grieving process. I was truly touched by their courage and determination to provide the best life possible for their child even when faced with their family's objection to an adoption plan.

Toward the end of the session, a question was asked about what characteristics the birth moms looked for when choosing an adoptive family. There were varying answers, but one item was consistent across the group. They were each looking for a family who did not have other children.

Sigh....

This did not come as a huge surprise. I was prepared, but it was still disappointing to hear. I knew going into this that having a child, especially a biological one, would not be in our favor. Right or wrong, there tends to be much greater sympathy, at least initially, for couples without any children. Then of course there may also be concerns about someones ability to love another child as much as a biological child.

Let me say this...secondary infertility sucks. I would never compare my hurt with another woman's, but since I've been through both primary and secondary fertility issues, I can certainly compare my own experiences. My heart aches now just as much as it did when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. Only this time I know what I'm missing:

• the sweet smell of baby
• all the firsts...smiles, teeth, steps
• the snuggles
• the babbles
• those tiny little hands and oh so soft feet that have never been walked on
• the shear joy so readable on their face at discovering something new
• the never ending list of "Mommy, why..." questions

With each phase that comes to an end with Ri, I'm saddened at the thought of never experiencing it again.

As much as I loved being pregnant, I happily gave away all my maternity clothes within days of deciding to pursue adoption. Our basement, however, is beginning to look a lot like Babies R Us. I've given away a few of Ri's clothes here and there, but have held on to everything else. I'm at peace with not giving birth to another child, but I'm not giving up on the desire to parent another child. There is no doubt what-so-ever of our capacity to love another baby to the fullest extent possible, however God chooses to bring it to us.